© Copyright 2001 - Otto Dix - Used by permission
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The Big Risk
I can confidently say that I know tons about self bondage. Not just techniques, but also about motivation. Why do we do it, and how does the behavior affect our habit? We get such a rush out of that point of no return, but the same bondage activity soon becomes tiresome, and we search for something different. We look for different risks to take, longer bondage sessions, and inevitable pain and torture. We start with basic self-imprisonment with a release in one to two hours. Then we might experiement with long sessions with uncomfortable positions. Perhaps some partial suspension. We start using vibrators and fetish clothes to highten our level of sexual arousal. Perhaps a little public bondage. Perhaps some electrical torture. We keep escalating our self-bondage behavior looking for greater and greater adrenaline rushes, but like a heroine addict, nothing ever seems to match that first time we found ourselves completely helpless to release ourselves.
During our careers in self-bondage, we have become escape artists. While bound, we test our ability to imprison ourselves, and are dissapointed to find a method of release that we had not anticipated. Eventually, we devise simple yet effective means of inescapable self-bondage. When does the self-bondage activity stop being fulfilling? What level of risk are we willing to take, and still feel that we are acting responsibly.
Now that I am in my mid thirties, I am taking a serious look at my self-bondage activities and the risks I take. Before the internet, I never knew that I was not alone in my activities, and even if I knew that others enjoyed self-bondage, I had no means to communicate with them. This isolation leads to shame and guilt. Public attitudes of bondage, especially of men that like bondage are very unfavorable. I kept my behavior a secret.
I don't publicly announce my interest in bondage, yet I know longer feel embarrassed or ashamed of it. The internet and sites like Gromet's have had a lot to do with that. I have really enjoyed talking to other people interested in self-bondage. I am especially impressed by people that don't even try and hide their real identity. By the way, Otto Dix is not my real name. Otto Dix was a German painter that painted impressions of the First World War. Later, Hilter declared his art as "decadent" since it portrayed war as less than glorious.
As I get older, I start to fear the idea of not doing bondage, more than I fear the attitudes I might face. With this shift in motivation, I prepared an email for my wife. I wrote down almost everything. I told her that I have always been interested in bondage. I told her I felt very guilty everytime I tried to hint at it with her, and that I really should have told her about it a long time ago. I told her that I loved her and that I would never want to do anything to harm our relationship. I told her that I want our sex life to be fun and I wanted to please her in many many different ways. I suggested that the next time we met, we should have a long, and honest discussion of sex to discover what we liked, and how we can please each other.
I sat there for the longest time with my cursor on the send button. This felt like a point of no return for me. The biggest I had ever faced. I took a couple of deep breathes, and clicked the mouse. Panic set in. What the hell did I just do?
I waited and waited for a reply. I was almost sick with anxiety. Near the end of the day, I received an email back from her. First, she wrote and nothing short of having an affair would ever change the way she felt about me. Then, she wrote that the first thing we are going to have to do is get new head and foot boards with many posts, and she didn't want to mess with a ton of rope, so I was going to have to get some lockable cuffs and straps. She looked forward to the discussion I proposed, and indicated that she had a couple of requests herself.
The relief I felt from that email was nothing like anything I ever felt before. It was the ultimate release mechanism. When we met next, I suggested some ground rules for a discussion. First, I pointed out a trap that many people fall into when talking about sex, or trying to communicate desires. First, people will often do something to their partner in hopes of reciprocation. So instead of saying "I want you to do this to me", they do it to them in hopes that the partner will then do it in return. Second, they will ask if the partner likes an activity, instead of coming right out and saying "I like this, please do it to me".
So, we had two ground rules for the discussion of sex. The first is that we take turns. Second, we are allowed to either make a statement about what we like, or ask a question about what the partner might want. Questions are only to find out about the sexual interests of the partner. They should not be used to communicate one's own desire, and the partner should not interprete the questions as a hidden desire. One should never be insulted by a question. If your partner asks you if you want anal sex, and you don't, you just answer "No, not for me, thanks for asking." As an added element, you can offer your partner the opportunity to get either a statement or a question from you. In other words, when it is your turn to talk, you ask "Do you want a statement, or a question?"
We lied down beside each other and began sharing interests. We made statements, asked questons, and clarified exactly what we did and did not like. As we talked, we fondled each other. Turns out that one of my wife's biggest turn-ons, is talking about sex. I found out a couple more things that she liked. Being tied up is not one of them, but we now know what to do to really turn on the other person, and we really enjoy seeing each other becoming very aroused and having great sex.
I don't think I will be doing that much self-bondage any more. I would encourage people to take the BIG RISK. The payoff is worth it.
Otto.