871005 - Kristine's Diary - Inner exploration - Kristine plays with more self-bondage
Inner exploration

Kristine plays with more self-bondage

October 5, 1987

I was thinking about all the years I had fantasies where I was strapped down or strapped up and stuff, and often the fantasies involved a forced orgasm with a vibrator or whatever. I was reflecting on how I always regarded my fantasies as rape fantasies, and the term bondage hardly entered my mind. But they're not always bondage fantasies because I sometimes have a fantasy without bondage. I wondered what the common theme was, since I don't always think of being overpowered by a person -- I also think of being overpowered by vibrators... or plants!

Then it occurred to me that I could define my fantasy theme as being overpowered by ecstasy -- overpowered by sensation. And that's the important thing. Loss of control, and it doesn't always matter how I lose control or what/who causes me to lose it.

October 7th, 1987

An interesting generalization about my relationships. In my first long-term relationship, Ish was always asking what I wanted sexually, and I didn't know. In my second relationship, Duncan was always letting me know what he wanted sexually and I'd choose what sounded okay. In my third relationship Rat was always telling me what I should want sexually.

I'm not quite sure I know what I want yet. Or maybe I know and I don't know how to say it. But do I really want...

What do I really want?

October 23rd, 1987

I've finally tried a panty gag. The first pair I tried brought me to disbelief. I couldn't fit them in my mouth. But then I found a skimpy pair. I rolled then up and put them in, then secured them with a strap of lace tied round my head.

I decided I like the panty gag. They're absorbent too, so I was able to wear the gag a long time without drooling. It amazes me that I used to dislike gags.

After I was gagged, I used a fishnet stocking to tie the three-inch brass rings on my breasts. I sat down and took another fishnet stocking and pulled it over both toes. When I got to my heels I put the heel-points though the net-holes. Then I pulled the stocking up to my thighs. I used my garter belt to fasten the fishnet sleeve. I especially like sleeving my legs.

I rigged two belts, snapped a dildo on and worked it between my sleeved legs. As I pulled the belts I wasn't sure I'd be able to make it fit. I pulled hard and finally locked the belts. Snug.

I only barely opened the magazines and I had to get off. I grabbed a white vibrator and again had trouble working around the straps, dildo, and sleeve. But I managed.

Afterward I read the magazines for a long while, then masturbated one more time. I finally detached everything to eat dinner.

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