Kristine's Diary

A self-bondage memory

Bondage in fishnets

October 25th, 1987

When I was about twelve and I had just gotten breasts (well, not simultaneously) I started to collect straps and cloth belts.

For a short time I was experimenting with them -- my memories are fuzzy but I believe I made crotchropes, tied my wrists, not much else. One night I was doing this in bed and I decided to try to suspend myself.

I moved the ceiling panel because there were pipes and beams and boards up there. I tied a strap from the ceiling-board and I tied it around my chest. I think I tied several straps around my chest. I recall that I was absolutely panting and hot, and my breasts swelled up at least a cup size, which amazed me. (I later learned that some women's breasts swell during arousal. It never happened to me again after this one time.)

I eventually became frustrated because I couldn't figure out how to come, so I untied everything. I don't know if I tried it again. Maybe once or twice.

So. That memory has been in my mind lately so I tried using the ceiling boards again. It was about three weeks ago. I moved the ceiling panel and found the beam I'd originally used. I hung one of my heavy chains over it and cliipped it with my huge slip-clips. I made a sort of swing out of it and fastened my black dildo to the center chain. I used the other heavy chain to make the swing.

I used a stool to get up onto the swing and I lowered myself on to it.

However, the only pressure point supporting my body was my crotch, and I found that the localized pressure of the chains tended to pinch my thin skin on my pubic bone. If I'd had a wide leather strap set up, maybe it could've worked better.

I did enjoy the suspension, though. I used my vibrator to come and then I got down. I don't really think that beam's very sturdy.

Yesterday I had Jace take pictures of me! I really wanted a picture like the self-tie I did earlier. I dressed in my cire' and fishnets etc. Jace really liked my cire' outfit!

I pulled on the fishnet sleeve. Jace helped me clip the sleeve to the second garter belt. I think he was getting interested in the proceedings.

I asked him to tie my elbows together. I said "tighter" and he pulled it super-tight! (Jace doesn't always respond to encouragement: with backrubs I always say "harder" but he's too used to being gentle.) He tied my wrists too. I ws very pleased to have my elbows together. I rolled on my tummy and Jace took photos. He asked me to scootch up the bed so he could get more of me in the frame. I squiggled up toward the pillow and he laughed. He got a picture of my butt in the air.

After a few pictures I asked him to tape my mouth. He cut a piece of PVC tape and came at me uncertainly. At about one foot I jerked and he hesitated. Then we both laughed. "I had a moment of revulsion there. Just a second," I said and tried to calm down. Somehow the idea of being taped was making me feel too much loss of control, in an unpleasant way. (I talk a lot huh!) But I said "Okay" and he put it on. We were both giggling. Then he took more pictures.

October 27, 1987

I got the Close-Up package on Monday. I looked through the four gay magazines (so did Gretl). I didn't like all the action but some of the static photos of ropework were nice.

Mr. Harmon called Monday night. We talked for a while. He asked why I like men in fishnets and I asked why he doesn't tie women tight. (He said he likes to be gentle with the ladies.)

Tonight Jace came over and we watched the video together. It was an SM film so a lot of it was disturbing. But it helped me understand some of the fascination of SM.

Pleasure isn't an absolute. You can never be sure what someone else is experiencing or how good they feel. However, pain is a given -- you're sure of what they're experiencing to a certain degree, because of their reactions. It's shared awareness. Hard to explain.

What was curious was the Masters always released the captives and were very gentle then, and comforting, and they'd kiss and caress them, and the slaves responded like grateful children.